and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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