"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
