That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize