whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
