If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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