cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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