Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
