Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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