I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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