Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
