Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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