I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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