The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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