I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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