Im at strip club and am horny
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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