i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
