If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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