it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
