I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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