i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
