There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
