omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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