idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
