It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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