Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
