I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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