You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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