hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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