From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
