It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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