When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
