I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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