She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
