If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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