One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
