New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
