Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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