I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Pooping to opera.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
