I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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