my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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