drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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