I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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