Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
