Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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