as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
