So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
