Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
