You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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