I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
