i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
