I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
