I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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