omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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