State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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