I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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