just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
