Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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