There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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