im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
