Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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